tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central December 4, 2012 10:00am-10:30am PST
it does not matter. when you are parallel to the gravitational pull of the earth, gravity comes into play. they look like udders. [ laughter, applause ] he's back there. he's like, "say my name." you're like... [ moos ] you guys are fantastic. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central
>> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. got a good one for you tonight. denis leary will be on the program, author of the new york, merry [bleep] christmas. am i reading that title correctly? iñi can only assume it's a delightful romp to holiday cooking and decorating. leary loves crafting. speaking of christmas, you probably are aware by now our nation has been embroiled in a long, bitter war. >> the first salvo in the war on christmas >> the war on christmas jon: war on christmas! not to be confused with gwar on christmas. tremendous christmas album. for years now christmas has been
under attack defended by the brave souls at fox news. are they still up to the task? that is the subject of tonight's "war on christmas, friendly fire" edition. let's face facts. the annual fox war on christmas has become a little predictable. basically imagine you can make one up like a make fox news mad libs. let's see. so let's see. let's try to do one of these. last week in... i need the name of some godless liberal bastion >> santa monica. jon: that will do. i mean fill in santa monica there and in santa monica a group of... give me the name of a small group of annoying people with incredibly limited control over our culture >> atheists jon: atheists will do. that's right. everyone's favorite uncle that lives in oregon that no one ever
sees. a group of atheists have ruined christmas by forcing the removal of... i need a classic christmas symbol. (laughing) dam it, brian, we're trying to do something here. go sit in the car. >> a nativity scene jon: thank you, nativity scene. some people are still grown-ups over there. okay. all right. so we're done. let's see if we can put that altogether, shall we >> athee i haves seemed to have ended a 60-year-old christmas tradition in santa monica california >> a federal judge backing sapt a monica's decision to no longer allow nativity scenes at a public park >> jon: oh, my god, that is such an out... (snoring). christmas has become a rote observance. devoid of all its original
spiritual meaning. even if it's most ardent opponents have seen doubt creep? >> a lot of people, for whatever reason, will look at this interview today and they'll say, gretchen carlson and doreen costa are nuts. okay. they're so nuts because they think that there's this made-up war on christmas. we're not news. are we? there is a war on christmas. we're not nuts, are we? there is a war on christmas. >> jon: as a general rule, if you're trying to tell whether you and one other person are nuts, ask a third person. preferably someone outside the asylum. but since you asked the question, am i nuts to think there's a war on christmas it's only right for me to offer you a resounding [bleep] because for
whatever annoying local christmas-abolishing story you and your merry band of researchers can scour the wires to turn up, the rest of us can't swing a dead elf without knocking over a giant candy cane. for god's sake fox news itself is is located in midtown manhattan the epicenter of all that is godless, secular, gay, jewy and hell bound. yet even here all around your studio it looks like santa's balls exploded. that is a hypothesis. you know, in the old days before the war on christmas, the celebration and the birth of christ lasted a day. like birthdays do. then it seeped into the night before christmas. the eve, if you will.
the next thing you know, we were riding this thing all the way to epiphany. fine 12 days gave time for lords to leap and partridges to pair and gold to ring and just 12 days of servants and [bleep] pourltry, whatever. but it still wasn't enough. there's a war on christmas? has anyone told thanksgiving? because this year black friday, a.k.a. christmas' opening bell got moved back a day to black thursday or as we used to call it thanksgiving. christmas is so big now, it's eating other holidays. watch your ass, halloween, you're next. ( applause ) i mean let me ask you a question. do athee i haves land an occasional blow? i guess. even the washington generals get lucky once in a while. but when you look at the overall
record between the two teams, for god's sakes there are radio stations that play nothing but christmas carols, stores that sell nothing but christmas decorations all yearlong. there is a tv channel devoted to a yule log. and it's kicking cnn's ass in the ratings. don't worry, non- log-burning channel, there's christmas programs for you as well. there's tiny traditional christmas programming, really old-timey. special christmas programming. urban christmas specials. mormon christmas specials. country western christmas specials. chipmunks' christmas specials. otter christmas specials. bear christmas specials. cat christmas specials. large-headed child christmas. gay christmas. jewish christmas.
whatever the [bleep] this is christmas. christmas underwater. christmas from the future. prehistoric christmas. that's right. there's a christmas special celebrating jesus' birth thousands of years before the birth of jesus. ( applause ) that is a holiday that is not in danger. there is so much christmas all over the place it's getting harder for christmas' defenders to fight for christmas without accidentally doing damage to it which brings us to our friendly fire engine. watch what happens when our good friend bill o'reilly takes the atheists' bait >> what religion is involved with christmas >> what religion christianity that's not a religion. that's a plos fear >> you're going to tell me on live television that christianity is not a religion? >> correct. it is a plos fee. ... philosophy.
>> jon: nooooo! bill, why? bill, why? have you learned nothing from our friendship? you just handed that atheist another thing he can't [bleep] believe. christianity is a religion. christianity has a philosophical element but there is a difference between a philosophy and a religion. for instance, let's look at this. a lot in common. loose fitting clothing, beards, sandals, teaching through parables, martyrdom. but here's where we find the distinction between philosophy and religion. after their martyrdom, one of them got better. i'll give you a hint. it's the one who ascended into
heaven and is seated at the right hand of the father who will come again to judge the living and the dead. whose kingdom will have no end. anyone? it's jesus! we bestow one of them tax-exempt status. why isn't christianity a religion? >> christianity is not an organized religion. a church that can be imposed. christianity is a philosophy. you don't have to believe jesus is god in order to admire his view on life. >> jon: no. but you have to believe jesus is god to be a cristian. for instance, i like a lot of jesus' philosophy. love your neighbor. a little cheek turning. stone not casting. it's very nice. but while i can get an "a" in his philosophy class, i don't get to go to the after party.
( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back to the show. as we all know, of our congress' two houses the lower house the house of representatives is a dumping ground for morons at which any [bleep] can get elected. to get electedded to the upper house you have to be among this nation's most reasoned and revered [bleep]. who keep voting year after year to continue what are known as the rules of the senate. >> you know that one friend who just won't let you get a word in edgewise? well, the u.s. senate has a friend like that. his name is filibuster. >> jon: you know that one friend who comes to where you live and rearranges your stuff? gerrymander. all right. so the problem is the filibuster where as few as 41 senators can stop any bill dead in its track. >> accept at majority leader harry reid is proposing changes to the filibuster that might make the senate less
dysfunctional >> jon: that's actually very easy. you could the that with almost anything. make it so that only hungry kindergarteners and ovulating cats could be senators. that would make it less dysfunctional. i'm sorry we're talking about the filibuster >> one of reed's ideas is to reinstate the talking filibuster the old principle if you want to filibuster you actually have to stand on the floor for hours to make your case. >> jon: you don't have to do that now? you get to filibuster now without filibustering? that's like saying we're going to go on a hunger strike with a mouthful of cheese burgers. they used to read song lyrics for 13 hours. if you're going to solve the business for the entire country you better be willing to make an [bleep] out of yourself doing it. harry reid is trying to fix this mess >> what these democrats have in mind is a fundamental change to the way the senate operates for the purpose of consolidating their own power. i implore members on both sides to oppose this naked power grab
>> jon: when you put it that way. nobody wants to see harry reid's naked power grab. that's for sure. change it. change it! what? oh, how important is it to mitch mcconnell to block this rule change? it emanates from the very core of his principles >> until now you could say that protecting the rights of a political minority have been the defining characteristic of the senate. for the past several years many of us on the republican side have raised loud objections to the diminished rights of the minority. >> jon: yes, yes, you might have heard that wrong. he was saying the diminished rights of the minority. he's fighting for the minority. as in senate republicans. not actual minorities because [bleep] those people. now of course we could show you democrats and republicans taking opposite positions on filibuster reform when their roles were reversed seven years ago. there's something about this i
actually don't understand. if the republicans can filibuster anything the democrats propose, then how can the democrats reform the filibuster without being filibustered? >> democrats have said they won't move forward on any changes before january. when the 113th congress begins. at that point, under conditions that only apply on the first day of a new session, they could alter the senate rules by a simple majority. >> jon: just make [bleep] up. what kind of rule is that? we can't do it except on the first day of a new session when jupiter align with mars and the girl senators get to ask the boy senators to the dance. crazy rules like these get in the way, how do you expect anything to get done? >> the senate was not established to be efficient >> jon: mission [bleep] accomplished. we'll be right
>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight very funny actor and comedian. his new book is called merry [bleep] christmas. please welcome back to the program, denis leary. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you jon: young man thank you jon: welcome thank you jon: welcome to the show thank you jon: time so glad you're here to talk about your book. >> i know. it's shaped like a book. again it's more of a coaster, jon. it's a christmas coaster. so it's one in a series. next year i'll have happy god-damned hanukkah >> jon: shouldn't a book about christmas have more pages in it than santa has rein deer? >> you know, jon, it's not about quantity. it's about quality, folks. >> jon: oh, yeah, about that. and also it's like i wanted
to make a four-and-a-half minute read for people. >> jon: like a song. it's not a book. it's a single. >> thank you. in four-and-a-half minutes he can destroy your children's belief in you santa claus and an entire holiday. and the proceeds benefit firefighters, jon, because santa is not real but firefighters are. ( applause ) >> jon: wow. did you pull that one out. >> i can't take any money from this. >> jon: this would not get me through one bowl movement >> i know. jon: as old as i am now, do you know how many of these i would need? >> here's the thing, jon. the i-pad version of the book, he's talking bowl movements. he's 50. we have to help him out here. that has all these extras. things explode. there's special effects and everything.
you could be in the bathroom for a good 45 minutes which you probably are anyway. i have to be honest... >> jon: here is my favorite part of the book. let me go to this very quickly. can you get that? he has the coauthor. (laughing) very funny. first of all it's very funny >> can i explain why i have a coauthor? >> jon: a lot of heavy lifting. it's baited on the song merry [bleep] christmas which was co--written by chris phillips. you know what's really sad comedy central had this idea and came to us. you know what chris and i did for this book? >> jon: wait. this wasn't even an idea. are you serious? >> they came to us and said can you turn this song into a book? we were like sure. we were like what do we have to do? we were like nothing. we're like okay. ( applause ) >> jon: the craziest thing i've ever heard. it's like you were in a
vegetative state. and then is this okay? >> (laughing) but we did actually record some special effects, like i said, for the i-pad. >> jon: when you and phillips did the audio stuff... >> it helps firefighters. listen. that's where the money goes. listen. i know it's barely... it's not a book. but please buy this coaster and help firefighters everywhere. >> jon: you would be better off just putting a placemat that says, "give money to firefighters." >> that's what i said. they said, no, we need to actually have a product. >> jon: i'm excited why are you excited? jon: because you can't stop christmas. you can only hope to contain it. i'm jewish. my kids, once they got ahold of christmas, hanukkah to them is hilarious. you have a potato pancake and light a candle.
it's the macabees >> it's over for you. they're going to be telling their friends soon that their dad isn't jewish. >> jon: they're very happy to be half jewish and they know it's the digestive side. >> do they still believe in santa claus? >> jon: yes, they do don't take this home jon: you really think, even if they were like 18 i'd bring them a merry [bleep] christmas book? >> i don't know, jon. i thought you might want to help the firefighters. that's all i'm saying. that's all i'm saying. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: you know what? for an irish guy you've perfected the jewish guilt. >> i really have jon: i have to do that. your kids are all... >> my kids are grown up. jon: your wife has raised them so well >> they still talk to my wife and tell her everything. i'm just this guy, you know. >> jon: hangs out in the house in his underwear doing nothing.
i can't wait until that >> i'm just embarrassing to my kids at this point. >> jon: is that true? it doesn't matter who you are. you're never cool to your kids. you'll find that out soon. well, you probably already know. you turned 50 when? a month ago? >> jon: a couple of days ago. ( cheers and applause ) >> honestly. let me just ask you, how do you feel? >> jon: i don't feel well. you don't feel well? jon: i've always said this to people. i wear make-up and a suit. it makes me look like i'm not old. when people see me on the street, they always say to me, are you jon stewart? and they go, are you okay? >> i'm older than you. i'm 55. i don't feel 55 until i like i come here and i see you and i go, holy [bleep]. >> jon: you should because the inside of your young i'm surprised loretta lynn is in there singing a [bleep] song
because i have never a dude put down more coal and tar in his lungs than this guy >> except for santa claus jon: there are people unionizing in his lungs right now. merry [bleep] christmas is on the book shelves now. it's to help firefighters >> it actually is even though you jest >> jon: denis leary "i@zoekxkxú8,xct:9 c c